


Collisions In Time

by GingerBeer42



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Humor, Multiple Doctors (Doctor Who), Old Fic, bad attempts at humor, dear lord that's a lot of characters, from a year ago, in like... one chapter lol, the harry potter part doesn't really play a big role whoops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:53:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22688038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GingerBeer42/pseuds/GingerBeer42
Summary: With the walls of reality this strained, something like this was bound to happen at some point. Dumbledore's accepted things like this at some point. May include bad attempts at humor and many, many spoilers.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	1. Of Jelly Babies and Lemon Drops

Professor Albus Dumbledore had been sitting quietly and contemplatively in his office, thinking of the past and unsticking another lemon drop, when he was interrupted from his musings by a strange, mechanical wheezing noise accompanied by a puff of wind that swept his rather dry papers off of his desk. Putting down the sweets with a regretful sigh and raising his wand, he stood and approached the large blue box that had somehow appeared in his office, noting that it quite resembled a 1950s Muggle police box.

For once, Professor Dumbledore had absolutely no idea what the box was doing in his office, since he was quite aware that Fred and George Weasley, the current resident troublemakers, were quite occupied in planning their joke shop, and therefore unable to make large blue boxes appear in teachers' offices. He was just about to politely knock above the small white "PULL TO OPEN" sign when the doors suddenly opened— inward, for some reason, despite what the sign said— to reveal a vaguely alien-looking man with a far-too-long striped scarf.

Professor Dumbledore and his visitor stared at each other for a long moment before the latter grinned, light blue eyes bulging slightly as he reached into his coat and retrieved a rather crumpled paper bag.

"...Would you like a jelly baby?"

"Ah, thank you." Professor Dumbledore smiled, accepting the proffered sweet, before producing his own container of candy. "Although I do rather prefer lemon drops. Would you care for one?"

"Why, thank you. Quite right, quite right, these are rather good, Professor Albus Dumbledore."

The two were having a lively discussion on the merits of Muggle sweets (Professor Dumbledore having already surmised that his visitor, the Doctor, was not in fact a Muggle) when the same wheezing, groaning noise that had accompanied the arrival of the blue box once again filled the room, and another, similar, blue box materialized just next to the first.

The doors to the second box creaked open and a tall, skinny man in a blue suit and a long tan coat bounced out gleefully. "Oh, _brilliant_! Donna, Martha, hurry up and get out here, it's _Dumbledore_!" He then caught sight of Professor Dumbledore's companion.

"Ah. That'll make introductions more complicated. I'm the Doctor, so is he, and I am most assuredly not Barty Crouch Jr, despite what some people here seem to think. Don't ask why I look like him, it's wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey. And now back to him. He is my past self, _yes_ , we look different, _yes_ , I look younger than he does, it's complicated and involves time travel and changing appearances. Basically, he's me a half dozen changes or so back." He waved merrily at his past self, who waved back, both grinning wildly.

"Anyway, for the sake of convenience, since there are two of me here, from now on we can refer to me as Ten and Teeth And Curls over there as Four, we have a nice numbering system, although it did start getting wonky after— OOF" The "oof" was due to the fact that the newly-designated Ten was suddenly shunted aside by a red-haired woman.

"Oi, Spaceman, shove over! Some of us wanna see too!"

She exited the box and was closely followed by another, dark-skinned woman, who shoved Ten playfully as she passed. "Yeah, listen to Donna and _shift_ , Doctor!"

Professor Dumbledore, not really knowing what else to do, proffered his tray of lemon drops. "Would you care for a lemon drop?"

The second woman, who was evidently named Martha, gasped, staring. "Oh. My. _God_! It really _is_ him! Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore! Just like the books! With, with the wand, and the robes, and Fawkes, and the lemon drops— This is bloody _amazing_!" Grinning delightedly, she accepted a candy, as did Donna and Ten.

This time, the conversation, which had turned to topics such as what was going on in the Wizarding World (apparently the Doctors, Donna, and Martha came from a parallel world where Professor Dumbledore and his fellow wizards were merely characters in a rather popular series of children's books— "And, you know, the popularity of those books and the fact that so many people read them creates a permanent area of semi stable temporal flux, a sort of half-open stable rift or crack in spacetime, which lets people with dimension-hopping machines hop between the dimensions without damaging either world too much"— and Professor Dumbledore was currently about two-thirds through the fourth one— "Sorry, we can't give you spoilers. Got that, Martha, Donna?") and, rather strangely, fruits, before they were once again interrupted by the now all-too-familiar noise made by the Doctors' blue boxes, which Professor Dumbledore had learned were called "TARDISes".

Ten groaned. "Oh, not again…" Then the occupants of the most recently arrived TARDIS revealed themselves as a tall man in a leather jacket and a blonde girl, who looked rather confused at the large number of people in the room and at the fact that Ten had just hugged her and she had absolutely no idea who he was.

After, in order, a rather confused reunion between Ten and Rose (the blonde girl), a brief spat over companions, futures, and appearances between Ten and the just-arrived Nine (during which the companions eyed each other suspiciously), hurried introductions (during which the aforementioned suspicion promptly vanished), and the passing around of the lemon drop tray and the jelly baby bag ("Oi, Ears, you took two!" "Well, so did you, Sandshoes." "They're not sandshoes!" "Oh, yes they are. I applaud your fashion choices." "At least I didn't do a repeat of the celery." "True, true. Four, you have a lot to look forward to."), the occupants of the room began a discussion of fruits, for whatever reason.

This discussion culminated in both Ten and Nine producing bananas out of the apparently limitless supply they possessed in their pockets and eating them while proclaiming that bananas were good and complimenting each other on their taste in fruits. Which really made no sense as they were the same person.

Four managed to halt a heated argument about pears by handing out another round of jelly babies. Then the argument began anew after yet another TARDIS appeared and its question-mark-clad occupant, Seven apparently, also declared his undying hatred for pears before leaving again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins. Ten, Donna, and Martha have come from an unspecified point between "The Doctor's Daughter" and "The Stolen Earth" in which Martha decides to join them again for a few trips. (Wow, I really wish they decided to go for Martha playing a Brigadier-esque role and checking in with the Doctors. Ah, well.)
> 
> Bear in mind, I haven't watched the Classic series so there'll probably be more focus on Ten, Nine, and whoever else might show up. And this is crack anyway.
> 
> All this is over a year old with minimal editing, so I apologize for any weirdness. Spoilers ahead!


	2. In Which There Is An Argument Over Biscuits

Things began getting rather chaotic once the Eleventh Doctor and his three companions, Amy— "Amy." "Amelia!" " _Amy_." "AMELIA!" " _AMY_." " _AMELIA_!"— and Rory Pond— "Rory Williams—" "POND!" "That's not how it— _Fine_. Pond."— and River Song arrived, bringing the total number of people in Professor Dumbledore's office to ten, forty percent of which were the Doctor.

"Bananas are good. Always take a banana to a party."

"AGREED. But apples are disgusting. So's yoghurt. And bacon. And beans and bread and butter and carrots."

"What in Rassilon's name did you do, go on a feeding frenzy right after regeneration?"

"That's actually rather close to the truth…"

"AMELIA, DON'T TELL SANDSHOES THAT, _SPOILERS_!"

"They're _not_ sandshoes!"

"YES, THEY ARE," Nine and Eleven said at the same time.

"At least I don't have that stupid bow tie," Ten said.

"BOWTIES _ARE_ COOL."

"NO THEY'RE NOT," said ninety percent of the room's occupants. Eleven looked betrayed.

Amy snickered. "At least it's better than the fez."

"Ooh, a _fez_?" Ten bounced up and down gleefully. "Brilliant!"

" _Thank_ you," Eleven said. "Finally."

Amy groaned.

Donna frowned. "...Hold up, aren't you one of those mental prophet ladies from Pompeii?"

"What? No, I'm Amy Pond, what are you talking about?"

"Huh."

Then yet another TARDIS showed up, opening its doors to reveal a pretty blonde woman, who bounced eagerly out.

"Anyone want custard creams?" There was no response as everyone besides Professor Dumbledore gawked at her. "What?"

Ten found his voice first. "Oh, _yes_! _Finally_! Oh, that is _brilliant_!" He dashed across the room, dropping the banana he was holding, to give her a high-five. The new arrival beamed at him and winked at Eleven, whose jaw was almost touching the floor.

"That's what _I_ said!"

"So _you're_ Number 12?"

"Nah. _Thirteen_!"

"What."

"I _know_!"

"WHAT."

"Well, _technically_ Fifteen, but—"

"WHAAAAT?!"

"Oh, sorry, right, that thing with the _three_ 'What?'s, I'd forgotten I used to do tha—"

"WHAT?" Eleven said as Ten spluttered confusedly. "TIME LORDS ONLY HAVE TWELVE REGENERATIONS, HOW DID YOU—"

"SPOILERS!"

"BUT… BUT WITH _HIM_ AND HANDY YOU SHOULD BE—"

"I _SAID_ , _SPOILERS_!"

"Who's Handy?" Ten asked.

"YOU'LL FIND OUT, SANDSHOES!"

"THEY'RE _NOT_ SANDSHOES!"

"OH, YES, THEY ARE!"

"Who's this 'Him' you're talking about?"

"NOTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT, SCARF!" Nine, Ten, and Eleven answered rather hurriedly. Four looked quite apprehensive. Thirteen smiled mysteriously.

Then, of course, there was another argument, this one about biscuits. Specifically, Eleven seemed to adore Jammie Dodgers and Thirteen (Eleven, Ten, and Nine had given up asking her how) loved custard creams. This argument was rather abruptly interrupted when the latter suddenly turned into a large canary.

"CANARY CREAMS JUST LIKE IN THE BOOKS— OH THAT IS _BRILLIANT_!"

Professor Dumbledore smiled, putting away the pack of biscuits he had surreptitiously acquired from the Weasley twins.

Then, yet another TARDIS showed up. The doors opened dramatically to reveal a blonde man in a ridiculously gaudy technicolor coat (Six), who was welcomed but decided to leave after staring around at the chaos. The Doctors then began to admire each other's cylinder— "sonic screwdriver", apparently— designs. Four just looked intrigued and mildly horrified at what his future seemed to hold.

"Hey, I think we're missing someone here," River said after yet another argument involving pears (during which Seven popped back in to add his opinion).

"Oh, yeah." Thirteen stopped jumping in an attempt to get her sonic screwdriver back from Eleven, who was gleefully holding it out of her reach. "Where's old Grumpyface? No, not you, Ears. _Old_ Grumpyface. Wait. Old _New_ Grumpyface. Wait. Um. Punk Rock Grumpy Eyebrows Space Magician Grandpa." Everyone looked confused. "Oh, for Rassilon's sake— _Twelve_."

"Eh," River shrugged. "I guess the author decided to write this without watching any of his episodes so she doesn't know how to write him, the lazy MMFPH" The "MMFPH" was due to the fact that Eleven had clamped his hand over her mouth.

"River. Fourth wall. Still existent." He beamed at everyone else. "Carry on."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Another glorious installment. And it devolves even further into crack and spoilers. By the way, I wrote this before I properly watched Twelve's run, so I wasn't aware that River would meet him only once, and therefore this is some weird version of River taken from the one saved to the Library or something. This is also why Twelve doesn't appear. Sorry.
> 
> The next and last one's rather short as well (shorter than this; whoops). Thanks for reading.


	3. In Which Things Become Even More Confusing

Some time later, Doctors Two, Three, Five, and Eight had arrived, and all fifteen people in the room (the Doctor percentage was now at 60%) were having a cheerful and occasionally violent ("HE TOOK MY SONIC" "WELL IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE SO SHORT" "OI AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE A BOW TIE" "OI BOW TIES ARE COOL" " _NO. THEY'RE. NOT._ " _[sounds of a brief scuffle]_ ) talk about apparently randomly chosen topics when the door to Professor Dumbledore's office creaked open and Hermione Granger cautiously looked in.

"Professor Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall sent me to—" she broke off suddenly to stare at the room's occupants, eyes growing wide. "Er, Professor, why are there a bunch of Doctor Who characters in your office?"

Martha gasped. "Oh. My. God. YES!" She turned to Ten. "Please please please tell me that is Hermione Granger!"

"OH, YES THAT IS!"

"OHMYGODTHISISAMAZING!"

"...Hold on a minute, you. You're Ba—"

"Oh, for Rassilon's sake, how many times do I have to explain, I am _not_ Barty Crouch Jr, I'm from a parallel universe and I just happen to look like him, it's all wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey, Hermione, you're clever, you're the brightest witch of your age, surely you can figure this out."

Hermione looked around. "Okay…. But why are there a bunch of fictional characters here?"

"You should talk," Nine said. Rose smacked him.

"Okay," Thirteen said. "As Sandshoes—" Ten glared at her. "Oh, fine, as Porcupine On A Stick over there said, we're from a parallel universe."

"Yeah, like in the (very true) multiverse theory, there are a bunch of alternate worlds out there," Ten said. "Some of those worlds correspond to certain works of fiction—"

"— And the popularity of those works creates a semistable rift or crack in spacetime that we can hop through without damaging either world or our TARDISes too much," Eleven said.

"Yep! And, so, in _our_ universe, _we're_ real and your adventures are in a series of books—"

"Which are really very very good, by the way," Four said.

"And in _your_ universe, _we're_ the fictional ones."

They somehow managed to exchange a complicated four-way version of a high-five. Nine shook his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your ever-so-wonderful author is fresh out of ideas, so… that's it for now. There might be more added later if the elusive plotbunny returns.
> 
> Sorry for my... uh, Techno Babble, which is an insult to all established science. And the fact that this is short as heck. Oops.
> 
> Thanks for reading this very interesting thing!


	4. In Which A Wall Is, If Not Broken, Then At Least Rather Bruised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i r e t u r n

“Huh, everyone left,” said Ten, who was now one of only four Doctors left in the room. “That’s weird. I guess the author hasn’t watched the Classic series.”

“Oh, are we just giving up on the fourth wall, sweetie?” River asked, ignoring Eleven’s offended yelp. “That’s good. I think they’ve watched all of Twelve’s era now, though.”

“What?” Dumbledore spoke up for the first time in what seemed like hours, feeling uncharacteristically confused. “Who’s this author you’re talking about?”

“Yeah, Doctor, I’m confused too,” said Rose. The other companions also nodded. 

Ten shrugged. “Oh, no one, just the random person who’s created this situation and stuck us into it.”

“Yes,” said Nine, also giving up on the fourth wall. “And you can tell by the number of mistakes in it.”

“You— Could you leave the fourth wall alone?” Eleven asked. “It’s getting kinda—”

He was interrupted by a loud VWOORPing noise as yet another TARDIS materialized. A tall gray-haired man stepped out. 

“So. This is where I finally show up then, isn’t it?” He glanced up. “About time.”

“TWELVE!” Thirteen yelled gleefully. “Welcome to the party!”

“Why do we have so many other incarnations?” Ten asked. “Did the showrunners do something weird?”

“You have no idea,” Thirteen said. 

“Yes,” River said. “You really don’t. And I’m going to have  _ fun _ with  _ you _ , darling.” Thirteen spluttered in happy incoherence. 

“Doctor, who’re these people?” A young woman stepped out of the TARDIS. “Why’re there so many TARDISes?”

“Oh. Oh no, oh no, oh no.” A short, bald man stuck his head out of the doors. “Please tell me you didn’t, sir.”

“Apparently I did, Nardole,” Twelve said. 

“Nardole!” River exclaimed. “I’d wondered what happened to you. The last time I saw you you were just a head!”

All the Doctors prior to Twelve and all the companions looked intrigued. 

“I built him a new body,” Twelve said. “Hold on. River, how are you here? The last time I saw you was at Darillium and that was the  _ last _ last time.”

“Darillium?” Ten and Eleven asked at the same time. 

“Wait, you’re that woman from the library!” Donna said. “Why didn’t I notice before?”

“It’s almost as if  _ someone _ forgot,” Ten said with a disapproving look at the ceiling. 

Eleven groaned. “Can you  _ please _ stop breaking the fourth wall? It’s getting really repetitive.”

“I  _ said _ the author was lazy,” said River. Eleven glared at her, and she beamed innocently at him. “Anyway, after Sandshoes over there stuck me in the Library computer,” she continued, ignoring Ten’s indignant “Oi!”, “I had some help from your future. You’re just a bit past that, right, Thirteen dear?”

“Yep!” Thirteen chirped. “Turns out, if you reverse the polarity and then feed it a smidge of regeneration energy, you can restore people to their physical bodies!”

There was a collective “Oh…” from the gathered Doctors. 

“Yes.” River smiled conspiratorially. “That was quite an…  _ exciting _ day.”

Eleven turned bright red. 

“What?” said Ten. “ _ What _ ??  _ WHAT _ ???”

“Eckdjsjneax,” Twelve said. 

“Am I missing something here?” asked Nine. 

“Don’t worry, Doctor, you’ll get to it later,” said Amy. “You’ll have a  _ lot _ of fun.”

“You’ve been oddly silent, mother dear,” said River. 

“Yeah,” said Ten, “so have all the other companions. I guess the author added too many characters then forgot about them.” Then his brain caught up with his mouth. “Did you say ‘ _ mother _ ’??”

“You can worry about that later, Sandshoes,” Eleven cut in, ignoring Ten’s continued protests at the nickname. “What exactly did you two get up to, River?”

She just smiled mysteriously. “You’ll find out.”

“Oh,  _ dear _ lord,” Twelve said. 

“Does that mean what I think it means?” said Eleven, who was still crimson. 

“It means whatever you want it to mean, sweetie.” She winked. 

“I’m starting to get the drift of this and I don’t like it,” Nine muttered. 

“Hey,” said Thirteen, “what’s so scandalous about going to the spa??”

There was a silence, then River groaned. “Did you have to? I was having  _ so _ much fun.”

“You’re making fewer… uh, dirty jokes than usual, River. Is that also because of— Oh, wait.” Ten’s pocket beeped insistently and he dug out a tiny device built from a crisps wrapper, a walkie-talkie, and several yards of wire. “Oh dear, apparently the constant breaking of the fourth wall is causing instabilities in the fifth and sixth dimensions.”

“Exactly!” Eleven said. “So, how about we forget all of that ever happened??”

“Fine.”

It was at that point that Voldemort decided to show up. The door of Dumbledore’s office flew open with a loud bang and the Dark Lord strode in, long dark robes billowing dramatically behind him. 

He aimed his wand at Dumbledore, crimson eyes blazing. “At long lassst, Dumbledore—”

“ _ Really _ ?” Ten asked no one in particular. “Of  _ all _ the people to bring here— How’d he even get  _ in _ ? This is  _ Hogwarts _ . That’s a lazy plot device if I ever saw one.” He was about to go on, but stopped under Eleven’s glare. 

Voldemort had turned at Ten’s voice, and now he gaped, the expression looking oddly comical on the snake-like face. “Barty Crouch? I thought I sssent you to impersssonate Alastor Moody—”

“Ah,” said Dumbledore, “that explains a lot.”

Thirteen frowned. “You’re not supposed to know that, Albus. I’ll need to wipe that.”

“Wha—”

“Crouch, what are you doing here?” Voldemort hissed. 

“Dear Rassilon, not  _ this _ again,” Ten said. “Are there no other gags that don’t involve me being mistaken for a Death Eater? Also, you can’t hiss a sentence if there aren’t any sibilances, even if you’re a Dark Lord and all-powerful wizard who frankly spoils snakes’ image. And for your information I haven’t used ‘Rassilon’ as a curse word in two regenerations.”

“And I’m still not,” said Eleven.

“Exactly.  _ Please _ start doing research before writing stuff.”

“SSSTOP INTERRUPTING ME—”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Nine said, rolling his eyes. “Could you not do the thing with the sibilances? Cos it gets really tedious.”

“What thing with the sssibilancsssesss?”

“Hissssssssing them. Like that. Could you stop? It’s really annoying.”

“Doctor!” Rose said. 

“See, I was rude  _ before _ the regeneration, too,” said Ten. Rose looked confused. “Oh, never mind.”

“Yeah, you’re still rude, though,” said Thirteen, who had been oddly quiet. 

“And not ginger,” Twelve said. 

“Yeah, I never  _ denied _ it, did I?”

“SSSSSILENCSSSSSE!”

“Sibilances!” chorused all five Doctors. 

“YOU WILL OBEY ME, MUGGLESSSS!”

“We really need to get rid of him,” said Nine.

“You think?” Eleven said. “Yeah, we kinda really do. Any one of me got a plan? We’re quite good at those.”

“Think I’ve got one,” said Thirteen.

“Yes, so have I,” said Ten.

“And they’re probably the same plan.”

“Which needs two people to work.”

“Or two of the same person.”

“Yeah, you know what I meant.”

“Oh, of course,” said Twelve. “I’ll regenerate into a re-hash.”

Thirteen shrugged. “Not my fault, I didn’t write myself.”

“Anyway,” said Ten. “Professor, we need to borrow your wand.”

Feeling rather out of the loop, Dumbledore handed over his wand. 

“Thank you. Now…  _ Expelliarmus _ ! Ey, remember that, Martha?”

“Yeah,” she said, laughing. “Still haven’t told anyone I’ve met Shakespeare, other than my family and Tom. Otherwise you’d have to pick me up from a different kind of hospital.”

While they had been talking, Thirteen had dove down to pick up Voldemort’s dropped wand. 

“So,” she said, “chronological? Or achronological?”

“Mm, chronological’s fine.”

“Alright!” She reached out and grabbed his wrist, also grabbing Voldemort by the shoulder, before all three of them vanished with a loud  _ crack! _

“Oh, they’re doing  _ that _ ,” said Twelve. “Hope it works. There aren’t any more wands in here.”

Suddenly Ten and Thirteen Apparated back in, and Ten tossed Dumbledore’s wand back. 

“That took care of that!” he said. “Nice little field in Austria.”

“Yep,” said Thirteen, “and surrounded by a very large-range Anti-Apparition Charm. You guys get a nice break.”

“Of course, he can fly, but it’ll still take him a while.”

They both grinned, looking very pleased with themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol I had to write myself out of that corner. Also EYYY LONG CHAPTER!!! Is that good or bad idek at this point. These are mostly first drafts with minimal editing and written by someone who’s not very good at like midnight hAHA, so… Sorry for any random mistakes and bad stuff? :| My hc is that the Doctor in any incarnation is aware of the fourth wall, so that was a lot of fun. It probably won’t exist anymore if there’s a next chapter because I can’t consistency. 
> 
> To the like one person still reading this sh*tshow, I kinda want to continue but I have no ideas, so any suggestions are very welcome. Continuity doesn’t matter, as you’ve seen. Thanks!


End file.
